Dear Jenny,
Any insight on how to enjoy a restaurant meal with a three year old that doesnโtย involve handing over the iPhone? The coloring book is kind of wearingย offโand a few weeks ago my family went out for my bday dinner which kinda feltย like a flush of $75 down the toilet because we spent most of the dinner telling her to stop standing up on the (red velvet) banquette and eavesdropping on nearby diners. Iย feel like if we were to hand over our phone, she would be so happilyย engaged, but then the seal would be broken, and she would ask for the phoneย all the time โ not just at restaurants but anytime anywhere โ ย and whine for it, and then it would just become that processย of saying no all the time. So in a way, Iโd rather stay in or have the lameย dinner with her than initiate a daily (hourly?) nagging moment, Can I playย with your phone?ย What do you do? What do your readers do? Is it, as I imagine, a better investment of $150 to dine out and hire a sitter than drop $75 and bring the daughter?
Love,
Rory
Dear Rory,
I feel for you. I mean, whatโs the point of going out to dinner if it means either a) being ignored by your children or b) yelling at them. Unlike many claims weโve made about parenting before we actually became parents (my favorite: โWe will never be a slave to the napโ) weโve somehow managed to stick with a No-Electronics-at-the-Restaurant policy. In large part this was because early on we discovered that the attention span for one of thoseย little Dover sticker booksย seemed to correlate almost exactly to the amount of time it takes for a plate of popcorn shrimp to be prepared.ย The books come in all themes โ firehouse, zoo, airport, bakery โ and for my daughters are almost like portable doll houses. I used to buy them by the bucket load and just kept one or two in my bag to pull out as needed. I have other friends who swearย number puzzlesย (where kidsย match the number on the stickers to numbers on the gridย to piece together a puzzle) do the job just as well. But either way, in my experience, the most important thing to remember when rolling out an activity in these kinds of situations is to make it a surprise. I always found that the novelty and the newness of the item is what buys us extra time. That and the imaginary goodwill I am convinced it fosters โ Mom, you were so nice to get me a present that I think Iโll behave for the rest of the meal.ย (If anyone out there has a solution that doesnโt involve bribery, please enlighten.)
Now, I have yet to try these out on the pre-K segment of the population, but my guess is that many young diners would be thrilled to show up at the local Tex-Mex to find one of Marion Deucharsโ placemats set before them. You know her, right? Well you probably know her even if you donโt know her. Sheโs the world-famous illustrator whose sketches and handwriting help give Jamie Oliver cookbooks so much of their warmth and homespun appeal. A few years ago, she delighted design nerds the world over when she entered the genre of the oversize, design-minded Doodle Booksย for kids.ย Well, anyway, we are all in luck because Deucharsโ latest book in this genre is geared towards the dining population and itโs called Letโs Make Great Placemat Art.ย To get an idea of how different and cool it is (no wordsearch and mazes here), check out a few samples below. Stick the pad in your bag before you go out to dinner (you can rip one off at a time) and Iโm betting all the diners at the table end up happy.
I might also add that the book costs decidedly less than a babysitter.
Love,
Jenny
And
ย
PS: ย Marion Deuchars was nice enough to offer aย free downloadable placematย exclusively to DALS readers. Give it a try and let me know how it goes.
PPS. I have some fun giveaways coming up on facebook, so be sure to follow me there if you want in on the action.
This is part of the School Yearโs Resolution Series. Please click here for Resolution 1 (More Freezer Meals) and here for Resolution 2 (Master the Weekly Shop). And feel free to request some advice about your own resolutions โ jenny AT dinneralovestory DOT com. If you have questions for Andy, just let me know and I will forward on to him.ย
So I confess we use the iphone (or ipad) in resturants with our 3 year old all the time. this has not led to constant requests for it, mainly because we nipped that in the bud โ with the rule that if he hand it back promptly when requested (or when food arrived), then he didnโt get it again. And stuck to it. Love having alternatives, though!
We donโt have this issue because my daughter is a perfect child and my husband and I are perfect parents. Need I say, *wink*?
On one occasion I handed over the iPhone with Angry Birds. I hated doing it, but we were at a diner and I figured, โmeh, itโs just a diner.โ I felt queasy about the precedent I was setting and swore Iโd never do it again. Iโve been able to live up to that, and when my daughter (now 4) asks for the phone, I change the topic, tell stories, let her tell storiesโฆ in other words, my husband and I try to engage her in the roles surrounding the dinner table. Or we just shove the basket of rolls at her. It doesnโt always work, but we try!
Good luck!
I love the placemat book, what a great idea! Coloring or activity books have always worked well for us and our two young boys (7 and 4). Also, games of I spy, if you can stand it.
But mostly, we just talk about the kind of behavior we expect. And, once or twice, my husband or I have had to take a tantrumy, misbehaving toddler out to the car for an attitude adjustment. Once you follow through with consequences, it doesnโt take long for better behavior to set in. I also think it starts with the kind of behavior you expect at home, at your own dinner table. Sit nicely, use good manners, no jumping up and down from the table, no t.v. during dinner, ask to be excused, clear your dishes. Even little kids as young as 2 can handle this in small doses.
Donโt give in to the phone/ipad/portable dvd player. How will your kids ever learn how to behave at the table? Believe me, itโs not all five star restaurants and perfectly behaved children over here, but itโs worth the extra hassle.
Three things worked for us:
1. No sodas anywhere but in a restaurant (so going there becomes a treasured treat)
2. We always talk to our kids and get them engaged in the meal
3. Our son loves bread, so the rolls with butter worked great.
We have three girls, now ages 11, 9 and 6. We learned early that we needed to at least mentally separate enjoyable โdateโ kinds of restaurant experiences from what we cam to see as โeducationalโ restaurant experiences with the girls. IOW, we knew walking in to a restaurant with the girls that it was likely going to be more about training them, at their various ages, about what kind of behavior would guarantee a return trip, instead of a trip to the car and a guaranteed early bed time! The time we invested in going to โpracticeโ restaurants was really really worth it.
The best time passers we ever found are called Wikki Stix. (PF Changs gives them to kids). Theyโre these tacky pipe cleaners you can make into all kinds of shapes and creatures. Theyโre really inexpensive, they fit in any purse, and they cover the time it takes for the appetizers to come easily. Even for impatient grownups. ๐
But the placemat book is genius. I love the Pasta one! Seems like the perfect solution for upcoming all-family holiday dinners.
We use the iPad as a reward at restaurants. Our daughter has to be on good behavior in the beginning of the meal and then eat well, including all of her veggies. Once she is done, which is usually well before the adults are done, she can use the iPad for books, games, or more often, to stream an educational (usually) program on Netflix or PBSkids. Then the adults can finish our meals, wine, and conversation in a leisurely manner. It works well for us.
This is great advice. Thank you! I just ordered some of those little Dover sticker books. I keep โI spyโ cards in my purse but those are getting old.
What works for us: as soon as we are settled & have ordered, one adult goes with the kiddo on an โadventureโ to check out the restaurant, peek in the kitchen, explore, etc. It gives the other adult a chance to relax in a moment of quiet. That also gets a lot of the wiggles out of the kiddo. They come back with plenty of time for โfamily timeโ before the meal arrives.
There are also lots of appropriate restaurant games that involve the whole family. I have a book called โFun on the Runโ that has a whole section on restaurant games. An example, one person starts a drawing on the paper menu, then passes it to the next person who continues it. Has variations where you donโt get to see what the previous person drew. To me, this is great because the point of going to a restaurant is to foster time & interaction together.
Another strategy is to have a list of conversation starters. We do โMad, Sad, Gladโ at home every day (each person must tell what made them mad, sad, and glad during the day).
My final thought is that itโs important to remember that going out to dinner should be enjoyable for the child, too. They arenโt mini adults. Do something everyone can participate & enjoy.
anyone have ideas for getting my husband off of his phone at dinner?
I donโt really have a problem handing over the phone at a restaurant โ the only rule is that it has to be handed back immediately upon request (usually when the food comes). I donโt see a whole lot of difference between a phone/ipod and a coloring book, since both options mean the child is not engaged in conversation with the rest of the table, he is doing his own thing and not bothering everyone else. Frankly thatโs often our goal by dinnertime. The placemats are really cute and are a great idea for preschool-age kids. I like to go over the menu with my son and help him try to figure out what heโd like to eat, and I can often get him to venture outside the kids menu (especially when there isnโt one). He sometimes asks questions about the different foods and what the dishes are, etc. We often get appetizers and let him taste some, thatโs helpful also.
I will say that for a dinner thatโs going to cost a lot of money, itโs worth a little more for a sitter. If Iโm going to bring my son and not really fully enjoy and taste my food without having to worry about someone else and possible complaints about the food, Iโm going to go someplace where it doesnโt cost a lot. This doesnโt mean a chain restaurant necessarily, but thereโs a lot between a Chiliโs and a fancy restaurant.
I often fold the paper kids menu into an origami โcootie catcherโ or an inflatable balloon. My daughter can play with it for the rest of the meal.
I always carry a stash of stuff with me. Coloring books sometimes work, but not always. I bring other small books, matchbox car or two, magnet books, or sticker books, or my personal favorite โ PuzzleBuzz magazines. Theyโre by Highlights, targeted towards the little ones (probably 3-4 and up). They also make sticker ones that are especially good for my 3-year-old. These work wonders. After that, yes of course we watch trucks if weโre able to see outside, or we make shapes from straws (get a couple little straws from the bar and a couple big onesโฆthey can work on fine motor skills forEVER. seriously). Oooh and dot-to-dot games โ you can even make these up yourself and keep them occupied. Find things your kid likes, mix it up, keep things in your bag that only get pulled out in restaurants, and keep trying! Itโs totally worth doing.
As for getting the husband off the iPhoneโฆyou got me. Iโm still trying to figure that one out myself. ๐
Weโve used a lot of the ideas listed about, but when Iโm really on my game, I love playing โpass the story.โ Each person adds a sentence (or less, esp when theyโre young) to the story. I did a lot more guiding when they weโre little and the kids would fill in a noun here, a phrase or sentence there (Me: Once upon a time there was a very, purpleโฆ Kid: princess Me: who really likedโฆ.). I miss that. Weโll have to bust that out at the next restaurant dinner. Along with some new placemats!
Love this and pretty much ran to Amazon to buy my son 10 of those magical sticker books. Weโve succumbed to the iPhone demands at the table (as previously, we simply couldnโt go to restaurants without apologizing our way out the door with barely eaten meals in take-out containers) and are eager for other solutions. Thank you!
Our three year old loves the wikki stix too. We also try to make sure we only take them to restaurants that have lots to talk about (ocean views, hustle and bustle, nothing too quiet or grown-up oriented) and where the service is reliably fast and friendly โฆ our little ones do pretty well as long as we are focused on them and not dragging the meal out. For dinners out with friends who also have kids, we try to pick restaurants with outdoor seating and -best of all โ gardens or places where the kids can run around relatively supervised while we wait for our food.
There is also a fine line not to be crossed: they must be hungry enough to be interested in food and committed to eating, but not so hungry that they lose it and start pitching fits. Snacks, sticker books, little cars, and a deck of cards are good to have on hand.
On the airplane, we do hand over our iPhones. In fact, my husband is getting a 5 and we plan to keep his 4 charged and ready, just to have an โextraโ for Monkey Preschool Lunchbox ๐
My 10 and 8 year olds saved their birthday money and allowance for almost a year, did yard work and odd jobs for neighbors and grandparents, and held lemonade stands in order to save enough money to buy their own iPods. My 6 year old inherited my husbandโs iphone 3. When we go out to dinner, we pull them out freely with not a single trace of guilt. After all, we are keeping them engaged during all those family dinners at home, which happen far more frequently than dinners out. Once the food arrives, they are expected to put them away and join in the dinner conversation.
My mom always kept a notebook in her purse & would let me & my brother draw in it at restaurants, but it wasnโt out of bribery, it was more because we were bored and liked to draw. My parents had a very simple technique for getting us to behave in public which was flat out telling us that being out to dinner or wherever was a privilege & if we misbehaved we would have to stay home next time. This was also in the 80s though, so the few times that we did act up in public, they would make us go sit in the car. Iโm pretty sure locking your kids in the car is frowned upon today, but you could give it a shot ;D
Our favorite restaurant at the beach (shout out The Donut Hole in Destin, FL) has little caddies of individual jellies that entertain and delight to no end. Take the jelly out. Put the jelly back. Itโs just too much fun apparently if youโre under 5!
I read your newsletter. Do I win Placemat Art?
Awesome โ not looking forward to those days!
I read your newsletter. Do I win Placemat Art?
I bookmarked all these ideas for later use/reference. My daughterโs only 2 months, so we have yet to venture into the restaurant arena. ๐ I love all things DALS!
I read your newsletter. Do I win Placemat Art?
This is brilliant! I read your newsletter. Do I win Placemat Art?
You rock my family dinner socks! I love this blog and I yap about it to my friends ad nauseum. I read your newsletter today. Do I win Placemat Art?
Always love your ideas & love your recipes/blog.
โI read your newsletter. Do I win Placemat Art?โ
I love your blog and appreciate our family dinners. It is nice to hear how everyone else celebrates the little bit of time families can sit down together these days. When we are out to dinner we have started playing tic, tac, toe, and taking turns drawing pictures to see what we create. โI read your newsletter. Do I win Placemat Art?โ
Fun placemats!
AndโฆI read your newsletter. Do I win Placemat Art?