What Iโm reading this week:
What if You Just Hate to Cook Dinner?ย Virginia Heffernan, mother of two, poses the question โWhy is food such a big part of raising children?โ then proceeds to discuss the condescending language in family cookbooks, including mine.ย I have a fair amount Iโd like to say about this essay, but for now, Iโm going to do my mom proud and save it for the burn book I keep in the back of my sock drawer. I do feel the need, however, to address two things that I simply can not let pass. FIRST: The suggestion that I have ever implied, in my books or on this blog, that family dinner should fall entirely on moms. Wow. Where do I begin with this one? Maybe with theย 100+ postsย my husband has written for this blog, all of which address his day-to-day dinner-making for our daughters, from theย post-soccer-practice scramble, toย Friday-night Stromboliย to hisย Pork Raguย recipe that people bring up with me over and over again, including, last month, someone sitting next to me on a planeย who I had never met before. (People, itโs that good.)ย I guess I could also point to the โFamily Dinner Boot Campโ series I did for Motherlode, the theme of which could be summarized as: โAll in.โ From the beginning, this blog has been about a return to the kitchen that involves everyone, including the kids who may or may not remember to set the table. If you find joy in making dinner, then you should make it yourself. If you need help from others, then you should include others. If others need help from you, then you should help. If you hate cooking, then dump a can of beans on toast (Andyโs post, btw), serve with some baby carrots and call it a day. There is no one way to do this โ every family is different, every situation is different, and I try my best to recognize and respect that. SECOND: ย I believe deeply in the idea that nobody should be made to feel bad about the way he or she approaches family dinner โ or whether they can pull it off at all. I do this blog because I enjoy cooking, and I enjoy helping people whoย wantย to make it happen. If my tone here ever makes anyone feel anxious or guilty or less-than, if I ever sound condescending, then Iโm failing in what Iโm trying to accomplish, and you guys need to let me know about it. I take this kind of criticism seriously, and I rely on you to keep me honest. Anyway, give it a read and let me know what you think.
The bottom line is, you can assume I agree withย Luisaย and Katie.
Onward! What else:
Abby, my almost 11-year-old, is absolutely tearing through this book right now.
100 Rules of Dinnerย Re-posting. Just cause.
Is there anything better than when Catherine Newman โthinks out loud?โ
โInside the Biggest Ever Hedge Fund Scandalโย A profile of Steven A. Cohen that reads like a John Grisham novel.
Locals: Stone Barns Center still has a few slots open in their Little Cooks and Gardenerโs Program. My girls did one of these a while ago and weโve been dining out on the buttermilk ranch dressing they learned to make there ever since.
Masterchef Junior Season 2 The DVR is already set.
Grain Bowls:ย I could eat like this every day.
How do you raise kids who areย The Opposite of Spoiled? I intend to find out.
Cooking Fast and Slow: A conversation betweenย Mark Bittman and Mario Bataliย at the 92nd St Y this Sunday.ย Tickets are still available.
Ice Cream Hacksย I canโt believe how much I love this. (Meanwhile: The ice cream sandwich cake reminded me of another classic cheat: ravioli lasagna.)
Another smart birthday party idea.
Iโm a year late on this one, but these Fashion Icon Halloween costumes for kids cracked me up. (Anna Wintour!)
OMG,ย Malala!
Lastly, I had the great pleasure of hearing Lena Dunham read from her new book Not That Kind of Girlย in Boston last week. At the end, when she and Mary Karr, who was interviewing her, took questions from the audience, someone asked, โIโm a second grade teacher and was wondering if you had any advice for inspiring girls, and for teaching them to be confident.โ I canโt remember the first part of her answer, but eventually Dunham emphasized the need for girls, and women, to have each otherโs backs, and demanded we go home and google โShine Theory.โ I did what I was told.ย Please read it if you havenโt already. Itโs a good reminder for everyone, not just second-grade girls.
@Laura: Heffernanโs point is simply that women like her, mothers who donโt enjoy cooking, feel pressure to do so in this age of competitive cooking and parenting, fuelled by a slew of books, blogs, and columns. Of course, she should just turn a blind eye to this media onslaught, and perhaps ask her own mum or a good friend how to deal with getting a quick, healthyj meal on the table. But no, Heffernan herself belongs to that very group of chattering tastemakers, and as always, those that shout loudest get heard. Never mind that many low income families simply canโt afford decent food, or that single parents struggle daily to get anything on the table for their kids. Instead, the conversation that needs to take place about poor childhood nutrition gets hijacked by media folk like Heffernan, and here we are again, talking about picky kids, after school sports and feminism!
Apologies for duplicate comment!
i love to cook and i love to cook alone! (my husband does all the cleaning and never complains; my son is learning to set the table). thanks for all you do, jenny!
and thanks for the headsโup on Masterchef Junior!! my son loved the first season and Iโm excited to watch this next one with him.
Cheers!
Hi Jenny,
I read the article and popped back over here to leave you a note. The article made me laugh a bit, Iโll admit. She just hopped on that steamroller and was ready to flatten anyone with a differing point of view! You were first in line! Watch out! Seriously. Sheesh.
I stay at home. I love to cook. I also knit and sew, and I made my kidsโ lunches every day in stainless steel lunch boxes. Apparently, I do these things not because I enjoy them or feel it works for my family situation, but rather because I negatively judge all women who donโt and want them to feel small. I have been the direct target of commentary like that in the article for a while now, eventually falling out with a long-time friend who blasted me for exchanging my brain for an apron and abandoning all women have worked to achieve because I claim to enjoy what I do. Le sigh.
This article seems to me just one more instance of a woman acting overly defensive about her own choices and condemning anyone with a different approach. Defrost away, woman! Play with your kids and enjoy your life! Live and let live!
There are a lot of women out there looking for a soapbox to stand on, but Iโm not one of them and I never felt you were either. I find your website and your books funny, warm and encouraging for those who want to change or enhance their cooking. The numerous supportive comments above show that. Relegate that article to the burn bag, Jenny, and pour a glass to toast its departure. Maybe sheโll read up on Shine Theory in the meantime.
Hi Jenny
Iโm only 4 years into this parenting journey but one thing that I have learnt is that parents tend to pick their battles โ breastfeeding, sports, 3 hours of violin practice a night, or home cooked dinners etc etc. If eating decent food together is not your battle then yes all this stuff does probably feel a bit intense. But if this is the chosen battle then your work is a great aid in the trenches night after night.
And yes the 3 meals a day for the next 18 years (19710 by my calculations) does feel depressing/ daunting/ intimidating from time to time.
But as Gretchen Rubin writes โthe only way out is throughโ โ might as well enjoy the process rather than feeling miserable every night foreverโฆ.
Or in other words โ haters gonna hate. And if theyโre going to hate, better be the biggest and the best. Yeah!
Keep on keeping onโฆ..
Chin up, Jenny. That article was total horsesh*t, except for the part about how good your recipes always are.
All the to-cook-or-not-to-cook blather seems to gloss over the essential question: What do you want to eat? I guess if you are happy eating frozen meals every day, or have enough money to hire a cook or get take out every night, you can get around this question. But most of us like to eat decent food and are not rich, so we donโt have to spend a ton of time angsting over whether or not to cook.
Thereโs not much left here to say that hasnโt been already said. I really enjoy your blog and books and have gifted both books numerous times, most recently to my darling babysitter who just had her first baby. Her mom actually told me that she needed to get into a cooking routine (the baby was just two weeks old) and I immediately thought of your Playbook. I love how you ended your Friday Roundup with the link to the Shine Theory. Not only is the article excellent but ending your post with it was genius!
Also, I donโt really think that article is worth responding to, but you asked for honest comments on your blog. I love this blog, but I am someone who already enjoyed cooking and had family dinner every night even before discovering your blog. I suspect most of your readers are like that. My guess would be that youโre not reaching many people who are intimidated by cooking or just donโt like it.
I also donโt feel that you are being competitive or judgmental in your blog. However, I think you need to watch out for an air of privilege. I think this blog works when it feels like an average family trying to get dinner on the table. Usually, it does. But occasionally it feels more like intellectuals having dinner parties, dining at fancy restaurants, or delighting in upscale products/fancy cocktails. I intend these statements in a spirit of constructive criticism, because I really like this blog.
stupid, jealousy-ridden article by virginia. i could hardly believe that was published. it served no purpose than to publicly name authors who have put more work into their recipes, writing, and overall daily dinner efforts than virginia could ever be capable of achieving.
I literally canโt even process that article. Itโs like a foreign language to me. Yet to me, cooking IS family. I would be lost without the connection of homemade food to table in my home.
Keep it up Jenny โ seriously, this article is SO completely off course. You totally rock.
I also read the article first before reading your entry about it. I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your blog and your books. Cooking with and for my family was the way I was raised and it makes me very happy.
I donโt always make something perfect and sometimes there isnโt enough time to do everything I want meal-wise, but I think thats how it goes for everything in life.
I feel sorry for this woman โ she clearly has issues with food stemming from witnessing a begrudging mother in her own childhood. My mom
& dad were not gourmet chefs by any means when I was a kid โ in fact, my momโs sloppy sandwiches convinced me (a now-reformed perfectionist) to start making my own lunches at age 9 or 10, which I think was purposeful on her part โ but their efforts to feed our family in my youth inspired my own love of cooking from an early age (dad grilled & made enchiladas or meatloaf, mom made lunches, salads, and baked cookies โ I was so fortunate, I now realize). Having the skills to cook basic meals inspired confidence and pride in myself. I continue to find such joy in making food (though I havenโt truly cooked in 6 weeks b/c of my newborn). Just because Virginia doesnโt share this pleasure with those of us who cook does not mean we are martyrs or holier-than-thou โ give me a break. She just missed the mark entirely. The point is to try to sit down with your family to eat when you can โ to share the age-old ritual of a meal โ community. Iโll keep reading your fabulous blog while I wait for enough free time to get back in the kitchen!
Re that article, Margaretโs comments (above) sum up my feelings. I love your blog and it always inspires me. Moving onโmy 12 year old and I also read Picture Me Gone last winter and LOVED IT! If she hasnโt read it already, Abby might also like A Hitch at the Fairmont, which is what weโre reading now, or Dead End in Norvelt, which we just finished.
Finally, Kristen (comment 109) touched on the issue that I tried to raise in response to Jennyโs caviar on potato chip app article back in the summer. I got a lot of flack from many of Jennyโs supporters when all that I was trying to point out was that she ran the risk of losing her target audience (moms with young children trying to get dinner on the table every night) with articles about caviar apps. Finally, someone else who also enjoys Jennyโs blogs and books but gives a bit of insightful constructive criticism. Thank you Kristen!
I like your blog very much and I read it regularly. I also read the article by Virginia Heffernan and I didnโt think it was caustic (although, obviously, she didnโt name me by name). I thought it was an attempt to poke fun at the dominant school of thought that feeding your family homemade meals is sacrosanct โ and to give a voice to people who are brought low by that idea.
We love to eat in my house and so we cook, but I do understand what she was trying to say.
Although it probably felt very personal to you, I donโt think she meant it to be. Unfortunately, because your work is well known, she chose to use you as a specific example of a broader trend.
Having said that, I wouldnโt waste one second trying to justify (to her or anyone) what you write about. You donโt need to โ your recipes and dinner-making suggestions are great and you have a loyal base of readers for them.
@SusanJ: โHaving said that, I wouldnโt waste one second trying to justify (to her or anyone) what you write about.โ
But of course she MUST respond, keep this conversation going. Heaven forbid we actually start talking about those who eat badly because of poverty.
Cooking can be meditative, bonding and enjoyable. I donโt think enjoying cooking is anti โ feminist and whether one enjoys cooking or not, I think eating together as a family is so important! Itโs a lovely part of the day!
I am not sure I can say it any better than anyone else has so far, but you should clearly IGNORE VIRGINIA HEFFERNAN. She is just plain wrong!
I thought that Heffernan article was just ridiculous and not thoughtful or trying to be useful in any way. I thought she was just trying to be rudely funny.
Iโm so glad, Jenny, that you responded with typical thought and clarity. WAY better than I could do!
Jenny, did you see this?
http://ruhlman.com/2014/10/what-if-you-hate-cooking-dinner/
Send Virginia a Dark and Stormy and tell her to lighten up! Your cookbooks and blog are terrific so donโt let the โmean girlโ get you down or make you doubt yourself. Personally, youโve been a life saver for me as Mom of a picky eater and I look forward to every blog entry!
Oh sweet Jenny. This lady is just cranky. Donโt think about her and anyone that acts like her. I started reading your blog months ago and just finished your first book. You have not only NOT seemed condescending but you have inspired me!! Keep up the good work girl!!! โOnwardโ and upward!!!
I know I am a few days late and youโll prob never see this comment but please know that I read your blog, have both your cookbooks, and that they have inspired me to help my husband have an easier time putting dinner on the table for me and our daughter. Yes, my husband. Take that, Virginia Heffernan.
Wow, there was a lot of anger and condemnation in that article. Interesting that her writing made me feel bad and somehow less than, but your writing never has. (Even though my husband doesnโt share in the cooking and sometimes we get dinner is from a drive thru and sometimes we eat at different times instead of all together, etc.)