What Iโm reading this week:
What if You Just Hate to Cook Dinner?ย Virginia Heffernan, mother of two, poses the question โWhy is food such a big part of raising children?โ then proceeds to discuss the condescending language in family cookbooks, including mine.ย I have a fair amount Iโd like to say about this essay, but for now, Iโm going to do my mom proud and save it for the burn book I keep in the back of my sock drawer. I do feel the need, however, to address two things that I simply can not let pass. FIRST: The suggestion that I have ever implied, in my books or on this blog, that family dinner should fall entirely on moms. Wow. Where do I begin with this one? Maybe with theย 100+ postsย my husband has written for this blog, all of which address his day-to-day dinner-making for our daughters, from theย post-soccer-practice scramble, toย Friday-night Stromboliย to hisย Pork Raguย recipe that people bring up with me over and over again, including, last month, someone sitting next to me on a planeย who I had never met before. (People, itโs that good.)ย I guess I could also point to the โFamily Dinner Boot Campโ series I did for Motherlode, the theme of which could be summarized as: โAll in.โ From the beginning, this blog has been about a return to the kitchen that involves everyone, including the kids who may or may not remember to set the table. If you find joy in making dinner, then you should make it yourself. If you need help from others, then you should include others. If others need help from you, then you should help. If you hate cooking, then dump a can of beans on toast (Andyโs post, btw), serve with some baby carrots and call it a day. There is no one way to do this โ every family is different, every situation is different, and I try my best to recognize and respect that. SECOND: ย I believe deeply in the idea that nobody should be made to feel bad about the way he or she approaches family dinner โ or whether they can pull it off at all. I do this blog because I enjoy cooking, and I enjoy helping people whoย wantย to make it happen. If my tone here ever makes anyone feel anxious or guilty or less-than, if I ever sound condescending, then Iโm failing in what Iโm trying to accomplish, and you guys need to let me know about it. I take this kind of criticism seriously, and I rely on you to keep me honest. Anyway, give it a read and let me know what you think.
The bottom line is, you can assume I agree withย Luisaย and Katie.
Onward! What else:
Abby, my almost 11-year-old, is absolutely tearing through this book right now.
100 Rules of Dinnerย Re-posting. Just cause.
Is there anything better than when Catherine Newman โthinks out loud?โ
โInside the Biggest Ever Hedge Fund Scandalโย A profile of Steven A. Cohen that reads like a John Grisham novel.
Locals: Stone Barns Center still has a few slots open in their Little Cooks and Gardenerโs Program. My girls did one of these a while ago and weโve been dining out on the buttermilk ranch dressing they learned to make there ever since.
Masterchef Junior Season 2 The DVR is already set.
Grain Bowls:ย I could eat like this every day.
How do you raise kids who areย The Opposite of Spoiled? I intend to find out.
Cooking Fast and Slow: A conversation betweenย Mark Bittman and Mario Bataliย at the 92nd St Y this Sunday.ย Tickets are still available.
Ice Cream Hacksย I canโt believe how much I love this. (Meanwhile: The ice cream sandwich cake reminded me of another classic cheat: ravioli lasagna.)
Another smart birthday party idea.
Iโm a year late on this one, but these Fashion Icon Halloween costumes for kids cracked me up. (Anna Wintour!)
OMG,ย Malala!
Lastly, I had the great pleasure of hearing Lena Dunham read from her new book Not That Kind of Girlย in Boston last week. At the end, when she and Mary Karr, who was interviewing her, took questions from the audience, someone asked, โIโm a second grade teacher and was wondering if you had any advice for inspiring girls, and for teaching them to be confident.โ I canโt remember the first part of her answer, but eventually Dunham emphasized the need for girls, and women, to have each otherโs backs, and demanded we go home and google โShine Theory.โ I did what I was told.ย Please read it if you havenโt already. Itโs a good reminder for everyone, not just second-grade girls.
Jenny, I have to agree with some of the criticisms in the Heffernan piece. The tone was unfortunate, because it got in the way of the message. Iโm a working momโa lawyer who works 50-60+ hours a week. I read your posts and am amazed by how little applies to a working parent with a life like mine. You work from home. You seem to have time to put together a marinade in the morning and turn on the oven, peel potatoes, etc. in the late afternoon. I donโt, and I suspect Iโm not the only one by far. When I get home from work (around 6:30-7), I need to pull something from the fridge, reheat it, and have it ready to eat. I donโt have time to pound chicken breasts, or stand stirring rice. I know there are plenty of other parents like me. Your series on the Motherlode blog seemed to miss this vital point completely. We donโt have time to make a new meal every night! We donโt have time to get the โwhole family in the kitchenโ on a weeknight. Some more realism here would be greatly appreciated. I am firmly committed to home cooked meals, and to the idea of family dinner. I make it happen just about every night. But itโs not with recipes like yours. Itโs with big batch meals that last days; with roasted vegetables I make on the weekend; etc. Itโs not nearly as romantic as you make it seem on the blog.
Oh my that article was disturbing. I love your blog & your books and have never once felt condescended to. Actually I have always felt that your attitude is โbe flexibleโ and โdonโt sweat it.โ I have made family dinner at my house fit how my family works which means we only get to sit together as a family in entirety on the weekends and I still feel that our meals during the week arenโt lacking at all. The author of that article was extremely condescending and insulting when she judged those of us that enjoy cooking. A love of cooking does not in any way make me less of a feminist. Having the right to make our own choices and be treated fairly are at the base of what feminists, past and present, fight for. I have friends who donโt enjoy cooking and donโt cook, their spouses do. And more importantly, I donโt give a shit!! None of my business!
And obviously she hasnโt tried to make the Pork Ragu. One of the easiest things Iโve ever made & itโs delicious! And freezes well!
And go Malala!!!! So incredibly exciting!! Girls can do anything!! (even cookโฆif they want to)
I found your blog and cookbook about a year ago and have enjoyed the recipes, your writing style, and your honesty and humor about todayโs home cooking. I am finding my own path as a mother of three young kids and we eat at home nearly nightly as even takeout adds up quickly. I also grew up in a home where nightly dinners were set in stone and that together time made a huge impact on me. I want that for my kids. And me! So thanks for the inspiration and your tone of solidarity in the kitchen, the exact opposite of condescending.
Keep doing what you are doing because I love your blog! That article is totally missing the point of what cooking can do for ones family, bank account and health. I work, go to school and I love to cook! There are some nights I donโt feel like cooking, and therefore I order pizza or have a pb&j sandwich. I cook for others because I like to, not because it is expected of me because I am a woman. I really think she is setting us women back by putting so much focus on the fact that cooking is a womanโs or motherโs jobโฆhavenโt we gotten past that? Ohh so much I could say about that article, but instead I am going to go home and maybe make that Pork Ragu that I have been meaning to try! I hope your family keeps on doing what you do!
I just picked up your cookbook about two weeks ago and started reading your blog. As a full time working mom who is terrible at feeding her children, I can say that I found your writing refreshing and not at all like it is described in your article. I think you do a fantastic job of easing my guilt, and you also are sure to communicate your belief that itโs not just a womanโs job. I donโt think the author of that article read your book!
Sorry for the mistake in my last comment. I meant to write โโฆnot at all like it is described in โherโ article!โ
You donโt come across as condescending at all. I guess she was trying for humor but it falls flat. I am the main but not the only cook in my family, but not one of us thinks thatโs because Iโm female and my spouse is male. Itโs irritating to see people make a sexist assumption (sheโs writing about family meals, she must be focused on moms!) and then accuse you, the writer, of being sexist based on their assumption, not your writing.
Thatโs actually one of the first things I thought about when I read the NY Times. โBut thatโs not trueโwhat about Andy?โ
Like so many have already stated here, I donโt find your writing (on your blog or in your books) condescending at all. The message I always get is that sure, the food is obviously a component, but whatโs more important what what you serve is the connection and rapport you build as a family when you come together to eat.
Boo โ that stinks.
You put goodness out and then the nay-Sayers dump on you
Keep doing what you are doing
Have a stiff drink and move on
Never once, not even a single time, have either or your books or your blog, come across as condescending. You provide fun and daily recipes, you give encouragement, understanding, and a game plan to those of us who do enjoy to cook, and who are the chefs for our family. Also, I would like to mention that food is important. Its important to know what is going into your body as well as your childrenโs bodies. It is the job of the parent, and it is how we care for our human bodies. My favourite part of the day, is sitting down at the the table to share a meal with my family and sometimes friends, no matter how chaotic life can be. For me, and obviously many others, its worth the effort. I love to cook good food for my family. It is something that provides instant gratification. Now talk about doing the ironing on the other handโฆ..hate it, get angry when I have to do it. Virginia should not knock those of us who love to cook for our families, and value family dinner. Keep up the good work Jenny and Andy.
This actually caused me to comment for the first time here, after following off and on for years โ I did read the article through, repeatedly, and I think the author has a valid point. Not so much about your blog, per se (and I couldnโt speak to your cookbook) but about the pervading belief that we HAVE TO COOK AND EAT WITH OUR KIDS OR WEโLL MESS THEM UP FOREVER. And, whether your blog is a specific contributor or not, the majority of that burden will fall on mothers. Period. We know this is true, there have been innumerable studies referencing how much child care and housework women do compared to men, etc. (Yes, your husband is awesome about this โ many arenโt.)
If you are already an overwhelmed parent, dinner is hard. When youโre an overwhelmed mother, itโs even harder because the societal and cultural onus weighs heavier on you. If youโre struggling with XYZ, and you read something that talks about how easy XYZ is, it can feel condescending โ regardless of author intent. While I donโt see that as the overall tone of your work, the simple combination of pressure to save your kids with dinner, โit all begins at the family tableโ, and blithe commentary, can trigger that response โ particularly when youโre reading a bunch of authors at the same time. In the end, your readers overwhelmingly donโt find you condescending (those that might feel that have already moved on), I donโt think you can avoid triggering said response in people who are already defensive, and I donโt see much value in responding to defensiveness in kind.
I will say that as a single mom, who works long hours, I find fewer than 5% of your posts apply to my life and needs. Which is fine with me, as Iโm not expecting you to revolutionize my life. Nor do I give a rats about social expectations. But that puts me in the very small minority.
I have been reading your blog for a while now and love the general tone of it all.
Having read that Virginia Hefferman article had me thinking Manifesto of sorts as that is how it reads as. In the end, itโs a bitter diatribe over her angst of being โforcedโ to cook and for the kids โ and getting many facts terribly wrong.
I donโt think you ever said you should only make dinner from scratch every night, but rather, do the best you can in making an effort, and then provide ways to provide a healthy dinner with leftovers and stuff made on the weekend pulled out of the freezer to thaw and heat. You even say at times that itโs perfectly OK to make a simple meal and let it be.
The point is, you get the family around the dinner table each night to eat being the real point here.
I also get this as I grew up in a household where my Mom was a stay at home mom but we all ate around the dinner table each night, my parents and my 3 older sisters and I for many years. She enjoyed cooking and always had something, even if it was something she made earlier and pulled it out of the freezer a trick I do to this day with things like spaghetti sauce that I make in the crock pot and freeze in portion containers for instance.
I am a single guy, work full time, but will cook a meal most nights of the week, being from scratch, and when Iโm not, itโs leftovers of last nightโs meal or something from the freezer I made earlier.
Iโm also a spontaneous cook and can come up with something fun and interesting, just by seeing what looks good at the grocery store (and on sale), or in my pantry. I may get a spark of creativity from something on a blog evenโฆ
Anyway, enjoy your work and what you are trying to accomplish.
Fascinating, They must not have read your intro to your first book where you speak about the fact that your Mom was in law school and your Dad had to learn how to dredge the chicken. From word one you have always been about the fact that dinner is a family affair.
It is comforting to read these comments and know that I wasnโt the only one who approached that article with a knot in my stomach knowing that sheโd be throwing darts at my beloved DALS. Rise above, is all I can say. For all the negative out there, you can bet that there is triple the positive. The negatives are few and far between. Great post today โ I think I either shared, emailed or forwarded nearly all of them.
Frequent reader, first time commenter. Great blog, love what youโre doing. Her piece is fundamentally bad. People arenโt drawn back to the kitchen because of enslaved roles, and I sincerely do not believe itโs motivated only by nutrition. People are drawn back to the kitchen because what you can create yourself, including many short and easy recipes, are so much better and so much cheaper than frozen food or takeout. And, shocker, cooking is actually fun. It is interesting how we had others make our food (frozen food, food from a can, cheap takeout) and then we started making it ourselves again, so I give her that one interesting point. Outside of that, itโs a completely irrelevant piece that I donโt see many, if anyone at all, relating to or agreeing with.
Like the author of the article I donโt love to cook dinner for my family (small kids, picker eaters kid of a nightmare), but your blog has always been a bright spot in that. Iโm fairly certain this woman has never read your blog. I seem to recall a blog post or two about frozen foods (from Trader Joeโs) you feed your kids in a pinch. I have never found you condescending. Iโve also always been impressed by (and a bit jealous of) how you and Andy team up on meals. Your cookbook and now blog has also been a source of some of my husbands go to meals (the โyou make it, you own it theoryโ Iโm paraphrasing) and he didnโt use to help with dinner much. So thank you for that!!! I definitely think some of the real food movement has taken the home made lifestyle a bit too far for the typical American family and I have never felt you were part of that. Keep doing what you do.
hi,
So I read your blog all the time and have both your books and donโt think you are condescending, but I also totally appreciate virginiaโs point. Most men do not in fact help with cooking even now. It is quite rare and I think your husband is not typical. My husband shops and cleans but simply cannot cook. It is still a burden I feel. We both work intense jobs. We are rarely home before 7:30. Our big goal is one family dinner during the week days otherwise the sitter feeds the kids. So our kids may grow up without the daily family dinner I had but I think theyโll survive. And I also totally understand the grind cooking can feel like and so if someone really doesnโt like to cook at all that has got to be tough and just by its nature feel antagonistic. Hopefully you will figure out a way not to take it so personally. I think what she said is just a response to the overwhelming lovefest in favor of the home cooked meal.
Look forward to the next super easy but tasty dinner idea and I always love your kid book ideas. Laura
the saddest thing about that ladyโs article is her daughter asking , i imagine hopefully, โwhatโs for dinner?โ. Itโs sad that her daughter has to ask her knowing the answer will be grudging.
also, your books are not anything like the other books she cites. Certainly it is bizarre to suggest that your books are aimed only at mothers with no involvement of the father as that is basically opposite of all you two write about.
She should lovingly pick up her salad and rotisserie chicken and tell her daughter in a warm tone that they are having chicken and salad without all the angst. Planning just a little would really help, even if itโs just planning how to pick up the take out or prepared dinner. But all parents have to deal with feeding the kiddos so maybe her rant has more to do with the unending โnot what I want to doโ demands of parenthood?
I find the best thing about your books is that they take me from โnot knowing if I can pull it offโ (that is, dinner most nights), into feeling โitโs totally do-ableโ. I think the NYT writer could actually pull off making dinners, but has convinced herself that she canโt. Which is obviously totally fine to have areas that you donโt want to dabble in at all (for me, DIY arts and crafts, for example, donโt get me started)โbut she seems conflicted: She actually does want to dabble in cooking for her family (or at least wants to want to)โif she didnโt care, she wouldnโt have written this piece?- but she has convinced herself that she canโt. Funny, I think she needs to read your booksโฆ
Just scrolling down to make a comment I saw that clearly everyone else agrees. That article was absurd and itโs exactly what I hate about some so-called feminists. I donโt understand why being a feminist to some people means shaming us women who like doing traditional woman things. Cooking for our families no longer means what it did in the 1950s. It can be a collaborative and enjoyable effort. And with everything that is wrong with our food system today it is SO important to make food from scratch. But your blog is about more than that! Itโs about sitting down with our families (no matter where the food came from or who cooked it) and talking about our days. And sometimes that means trader joeโs pizza dough topped with store bought sauce, and sometimes it means pork ragu. Iโm sorry you had to deal with that article.
Jenny, your blog is an amazing resource for anybody (woman, man, child, who cares?) who wants to cook for their family. I was raised in a โfamily dinnerโ household, and while it is often not easy to put dinner together in my own house, I do it with the help of your amazing blog and books (will be ordering โPlaybookโ soon). I read the article that you mention, and it really is too bad this person wants to feed their kids Clif bars every night. The only losers there will be her kids, who will suffer from poor nutrition, as well as a lack of appreciation for simple yet tasty food. No need to dignify the author with a response, unless you want to kill her with kindness and send over an oversimplified basic 7 day meal plan for those who โhate to cook dinnerโ.
Youโre the best!
Julie in Cali
Iโm not sure what she was expecting to find in a family cookbook โ instructions on what to pick out from the freezer section? Itโs a cookbook โ that should be your first clue that, yes, itโs going to be geared toward people who like to or want to cook.
Iโve read (and cooked) from your books and blog and I think you go out of your way not to sound preachy about family dinner or cooking family dinner. But Iโm one of those working moms who enjoys cooking, pre-kids and, for the most part, post-kids.
I love your perspective so donโt let this bit of internet rant deter you!
No such thing as bad publicity, right? Hang in there, High Priestess!
Ah, High Priestess ( and also Andy, who must be your acolyte),
Please, please let this womanโs opinions roll of your backs. She used words like โcondescendingโ and โfacetiousโ to describe you. To the contrary, I find your books and your blog to be supportive, generous, and Real Life. The fact that so many of your recipes help me to create superb dinners is almost beside the point.
I have not read most of the other books she lumps together with yours. I usually cook for my husband and myself now, and guests. Because โ am I deceiving myself? โ I love to cook and I love to eat good food. I live in Italy now, our children are grown, I get to spend lots of time with our Italian/American grandchildren. I have access to great produce, and meats and poultry.
Enjoying food and sharing it with family and friends, or savoring it on a night when you are all by yourself, can be one of the most pleasurable and comforting parts of a human life. I like your approach. I like your โvoiceโ. I like how you two have developed a way โ which you started figuring out when it was โjustโ two people with jobs and other commitments, and tweaked as your children arrived and grew up โ that makes the sometimes hard parts of meal planning or preparation easier, so that you can concentrate on eating food that is yummy and good for you, and enjoying each othersโ company.
We gotta eat, we might as well eat food that is good for us and tasty too. If your approach does not work for Virginia, I hope she finds one that does. She sounds so angry and defensive, and even sad. If she really wants to serve herself and her family frozen dinners and takeout food, I hope she can find joy in it.
Hang in there. You know you have a gazillion readers out there, some who never comment or buy the books. The whole Internet/blog thing can be weird at times, but we love you.
Dear Jenny,
if I were you, Iโd seriously think about adopting the High-Priestess title, it gives you ultimate legitimacy & think about how great your new business cards will look! Take it as a compliment.
Clearly the article misses a few points and more importantly ignores vital ones only to mash it all together in order to shove one thing down our throats and wallow in a lexical field of acerbic semantics โ unfortunately without verve, charme or humour. Thatโs a shame, because I think we all are in agreement about:
1. cooking (and housework, earning money, parenting, gardening, car repairing, ironing, counting beans, grooming butterfliesโฆ) should be shared and not everyone adheres to this ideal (see: last weeks discussion);
2. the recent nutritionism craze has us all enthralled and headless scrambling to eat the latest superfoods for the latest benefits (ironically, this chaotic approach to nutrition that has been critized by her arch belzebub Michael Pollan) &
3. the misguided pressure to be super daddy or mummy, who instills a heavy load of guilt and insecurity even into a Stepford wife.
The real point here is that extreme (defensive) reactions like these are the result of self-consciousness, angst & petulant obstinacy. If you donโt like to cook then donโt do it. Get somebody to do it for you: another person in your household, a professional, a frozen food company, a restaurant. That is your decision and you should stand by it. I don not want, canโt and therefore do not enjoy to repair my car, Iโll bring it to someone who can. End of story.
I would be upset as well and feeling angry/guilty/ shamed, if my children would display this kind of attitude (Have you figured out dinner, yet?) but Iโd have them involved in dinner (decision) making, even if it would be opening a tin of lentil soup (it was lentil soup, wasnโt it?). And there is nothing wrong with some prepared foods, you only need to take a few seconds to decide if it is a good or not so good one โ reality check, please!
Thatโs why getting offended by the Ruth Reichl quote โ I am paraphrasing here: the most important thing you could do for your kids/family is having a family dinner โ is just so wrong and that really made my blood boil. What you eat is important but much more important is that it is done together (before you cry out, that you canโt do it everyday, then when ever you can, For Godโs sakes!) or just sit together at the bloody table and talk: no phone, no TV, no playstation, no newspaper, no silence. If common sense does not convince, there are countless studies done which spell it out and if you do get scared by all the latest trends in trends of the nutrionism world, then do this.
I personally think, this IS the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do for yourself (even if you do not have a family) and Jenny, High Priestess, this is the message that your blog (and books) convey to me. And there is nothing condescending in your way of handing someone tools to do it quick & effectively & wisely (freezer), though I might have missed the spots where you suddenly get all dictator on the reader & imperatively bark, that โOne must cook every dayโ.
I, on the other hand, would say exactly that in an extremely condescending and patronising way (channeling Maggie Smith) when I put dinner on the table or equally acerbic while opening the fridge and get out the cheese and slam it on a sandwhich or enjoy the chilli my husband has cooked for me.
Enjoy your weekend and have a lovely dinner, might want to look at my latest post about a lamb tagine with black garlic which cooks (shock) for over 2 hours โ shocking.