The pre-dinner scramble. (Photo by Jenny Livingston.)
Last week on my Babble blog I asked readers what they thought of Michael Ruhlmanโs HuffPoย rant about parents being too โbusyโ to cook for their kids. Actually, that was only a subset of the rant. Most of Ruhlmanโs anger was directed at food editors, cookbook authors, and Food Network stars (even Jamie!) for giving rise to the 30-minute-meal industrial complexโฆthereby validating the message that parents are too busy to cook, thereby placing those busy, unimaginative parents at the mercy of the convenient, pre-packaged, get-it-to-the-table-fast world of processed food.ย I wasnโt surprised that it touched a lot of nerves โ and I encourage you to read the entire post as well as the comments that piled up over on Babble โ but here on DALS, I feel compelled to write a little more it; or, more specifically, about these two quotes because I canโt stop thinking about them:
โMaybe you donโt like to cook, maybe youโre too lazy to cook, maybe youโd rather watch television or garden, I donโt know and I donโt care, but donโt tell me youโre too busy to cook. We all have the same hours every day, and we allย choose how to use them. Working 12-hour days is a choice.โ
AND
โ..[T]he processed food companies make it easy to blow off cooking for ourselves. And we do so at our perilโฆ. America is too stupid to question whether something is good for it or not (โMarge, it says snackย well right on the box!โ). And in the very same way we believe that idiocy, we believe these very same companies telling us how wonderful our lives will be if we buy this low-fat Lean Cuisine because it will save us so much time, only 3 minutes! Used to take seven! Youโve got four extra minutes to play with!โ
Iโm not crazy about the scolding tone he uses here (parents feel guilty enough without a professionally trained chef rubbing it in, not to mention single parents for whom twelve hour days are actually not a choice) and the assumption that cooking for your family is a categorically pleasant, life-affirming experience is oversimplified to say the least.ย BUT. BUT. BUT. There was something resonant about the message to me. And thatโs because I was a victim of that kind of thinking. When I returned to work after my first maternity leave in 2002, it never even crossed my mind that I would feed Phoebe anything other than what came in a jar. Probably because I was too busy mourning the loss of cooking real meals for myself โ since everyone from my relatives to my coworkers to magazine covers was telling me that, now that I was a mother, I was barely going to have enough time to tie my shoes let alone wander the farmerโs market or the aisles of Gourmet Garage in search of ingredients for Coq au vin and Marcellaโs milk-braised pork. Donโt put that kind of pressure on yourself! They all said. Youโll only set yourself up for failure! (And the thing is, I believed them. I remember thinking that parents who made their own baby food were making some kind of statement and/or dealing with deep feelings of maternal inadequacy. I canโt say Iโm proud of this, by the way.)
On one level, of course, my support panel was right โ I had to think hard about how I chose to spend my discretionary hours since I now had so few of them. But once the baby began sleeping through the night and once the haze on my new reality lifted, it occurred to me that this whole time-crunch thing was something of a blessing. Having a baby clarified some things. It made my choices easy. It gave me a built-in excuse to say no to all the things that I didnโt necessarily enjoy in the first place (Sorry, canโt do drinks tonight! Have to relieve the sitter!) and to say yes to the things that I did.
For me, one of the things that mattered was dinner. That doesnโt mean that cooking for the family has always been easy or that itโs universally satisfying (see: 2002-2005), but it certainly has never been something to write off as impossible, as one arm of conventional wisdom would like you believe. There has always been time for me to make dinner becauseโฆyou make time for the things you love.ย Donโt believe anyone โ the food industry, the magazine covers, your crazy aunt โ who tells you anything different.
Hmmm, interesting. Personally, I donโt love cooking. I am an adequate cook, but I have to follow a recipe. Iโm not someone who can instinctively whip something up based on the 5 magic ingredients in my pantry. I have been trying to rely less on processed foods though.
My successful weeks are those where Iโve done meal planning and consulted my calendar to know when we have after school activities that run right up to the dinner hour or when we need to eat early to leave for a later activity or when Iโve got the night free and clear. If I align my menus appropriately, I can fit it all in. If I neglect to consult the calendar or neglect to meal plan at all, I end up throwing up my hands and resorting to unhealthy choices.
Personally, I appreciate the professionals who provide quick recipe options because I need the inspiration. There are times for a recipe requiring 26 ingredients, but a Monday when weโre at swim lessons until 5:30 isnโt one of them!
For starters, I am loving this blog. I am a BIG believer in dinner as a family for many reasons and itโs a personal goal of mine to feed my family well.
This article (the Huff Post one) does set my teeth on edge. I feel like the pressure weโre placed under as parents is tremendous. Everyone is constantly judging from the old lady at the supermarket to the expert in the paper and on TV. If we did everything every โexpertโ tells us to do for/with our kids, weโd be out of time and money. I am trying very very hard to not judge my fellow parents/human beings on this or any topic.
I also do not like the insinuation that a meal made in 30 minutes is processed garbage. I have made many a fine meal with good whole foods in 30 minutes (stirfry! fritatta!). Good food does not have to be inaccessible.
โHaving a baby clarified some things. It made my choices easy. It gave me a built-in excuse to say no to all the things that I didnโt necessarily enjoy in the first place and to say yes to the things that I did.โ
So true! I am definitely more productive and doing more of the โrightโ things now that I have only a small amount of time. Now if only my 8 month old would start sleeping through the night!
I think once people get out of the habit of cooking it seems like a much hard task than it actually isโฆthatโs why Iโm a big fan of your blog and others for keeping it simple and delicious!!
ps โ so looking forward to your bookโฆvery much miss cookie and โif you haveโฆโ
I agree with Michelle (hi Michelle!) I am so glad I found this blog and I am loving it. As a full time working Mom I struggled with similar messages from other moms. I made my own baby food when others told me I was crazy. (they also told me that breastfeeding wouldnโt last and they were wrong about that!) I donโt really care for the message that having the TIME is a choiceโฆthereby judging me for a day when I donโt have timeโฆI do, however agree that itโs about the priority of your choices. I involve my tot in dinner planning, purchasing and preparing. I want him to appreciate where food comes from, see the importance of working together on the meal and value the experience of eating the product together. Family meals are the norm. For other parents, these are not priorities. The tot across the street can already swing a bat, play catch, and dribble soccer. That family makes sports a priority. (Weโre more of a bike riding, nature hiking kind of family).
I also want to agree that not every night is ideal. There are some nights when I throw things together: beans and rice with veggies and salsa, stir fry, omlets. Does my kid get the occasional fast food or something packaged? Absolutely. Just like everything with parenting, I canโt meet my expecations 100% of the time. But, I am ALWAYS looking for ways to make this easier. Thanks for letting me rambleโฆgreat post!
The HuffPo article had me grumbling too and it has been coming back to haunt me as I make our dinners I mutter to myself โWho does he think he is?โ or โHow dare he say that I canโtโฆโ So yeah it struck a chord with me and not a good one. It is so hard to find a healthy balance and these kinds of articles donโt help the cause at all. I am always looking for shortcuts with cooking while still using fresh ingredients and that my family will eat. So while I know my son wonโt eat the bell peppers in the stir fry, he will eat the rice, the sauce, the chicken and the snowpeas. Good enough for me. I consider that Mission Accomplished.
Well said. Nice post. Although for me, just in case youโre wondering, the staying home with the kids, breastfeeding, and making baby food was all about compensating for the lack of mothering I received as a child. At least thatโs what I think it was. Havenโt run it by my shrink. ๐
oooo, very interesting topic. Thanks for posting on this. Food and politics, very personal but needs to be discussed more openly โ with civility.
Ditto Susan, above. My mother died unexpectedly before I had kids and so Rachael Ray and Mark Bittman taught me to cook.
I think the HuffPo writer is off base blaming Rachael and Jamie (yeah, weโre on a first name basis in this house). Sandra Lee, maybe, but not them. Rachael taught me that fresh spinach is easier to sautee than frozen, and other than, you know, canned chicken stock (horrors!) neither one of them uses lots of pre-packaged foods as shortcuts. Home chefs might (frozen chicken tenders, etc.) but Iโm not sure heโs even watched the shows heโs dismissing. Now I want to go back to the original thing he was ranting about.
Thanks for the great post. Loving this blog!
I suspect for many people โIโm too busy to cookโ is actually a cover for โI donโt enjoy cookingโ or โIโm not confident about my cooking skillsโ, in which case a rant is not necessarily going to help.
A bit of pragmatic support goes a long way โ which is one of the reasons I really enjoy this blog!
I agree with philippat, I think the โiโm to busyโ is a cover for โI dont really know how too cookโฆand what I do know how to cook is only heating premade items.โ I sure did not know how to cook well, so to do anything seemed like it would take so long. And I never had anything that they asked for in the house so I had to go to the store and get EVERYTHING so it was so many steps. Blogs like this and the food network (along with some cooking classes and a local place) have helped me as I really would like to have my own food revolution. THis blog has been a huge help! Thanks.
Chiming in too โ this clearly struck a nerve! I totally agree with Tina that a lot of it is a question of priorities, but at the end of the day, casting judgment/blaming parents for choosing shortcuts is just counterproductive, if the goal is to get more folks eating as a family. Iโm a single mom of a toddler and work full time. I used to love cooking for myself, but right now, my biggest struggle is trying to stay motivated to cook for the 2 of us, when my son wonโt eat what I make half the time. I try to just let go and channel Ellen Sattyr, but itโs demoralizing. The best strategy Iโve found is planning and more planning, thereby reducing the number of decisions I have to make at 5:30 staring at the fridge while my son clamors for โโelbows pastaโ yet again!
I buy real food. Expensive food. Whole Foods food! I avoid pesticides and HFCS, buy organic when possible, and cook when I can so it will last 2 days or so. But, I do have 3 children, home-school them, and run a household. I actually exercise and clean my own house. I subscribe to Food & Wine, Saveur, and Cooking Light. I love to eat good food. But, I do rely on healthy take out quite a bit and donโt feel guilty about it AT ALL! For one, it is sometimes cheaper than actually cooking the food, and then I donโt have to do the dishes. I live in Houston, TX, so I have many options for healthful eating outside our house. My family loves it when I cook, and they truly appreciate the time and effort. But letโs be honest here. We do our best with the time that we have. I donโt judge other people, unless they donโt even try.
I didnโt read the article on babble yet but I am one of those commuting moms that made my own baby food. At first I used the excuse of mommy guilt for putting in the extra time but really I enjoyed it. My mom did it for me and she saw no reason why I couldnโt do it for my son. It led me to change the way I approach food for my children, my husband (he canโt let go of the diet cokes though), and me. I make every effort to cook all our meals whether it is all from scratch or semi-homemade. Ya, he has McDonaldโs every once in a while or Dr. Praegerโs spinach cakes but I believe everything in moderation. With my baby daughter, I do the same (Sheโs never had jarred baby food.) and now sheโs onto table foodโ basically miniscule bites of everything we eat. With her we also joined an organic/local farms food delivery service this year. While some of the root vegetables seemed intimidating at first, I learned how to cook them and now have go-to dishes in a pinch (rutabaga au gratin, anyone?). I find time to prep, steam, cook what I can, or whatever might be needed the night before, the morning of, or even while my kids are in the kitchen with me (theyโre under 3.) It also helps that I like to do it. I never understood the Lean Cuisine-thing but thatโs just me. Like my approach to giving parenting advice, do what works best for you. And cooking and baking 75% of our meals and snacks works for me. Iโm tired but very happyโ just like I tell myself when I hear my teething baby at 3:30 in the morning.
I find this debate interesting and Iโm not even a parent yet.
My mum was a housewife and was able to provide a home-cooked meal on the table for me and my brother every night of the week. Iโm grateful for this and while I hope to continue the ritual of sitting down to eat as together as much as possible when I have a family โ Iโm not naive enough to think iโll have the time or energy to achieve this all the time (as much as Iโd like to) as I donโt plan to be a stay-at-home mum like mine was.
I honestly donโt get this guys reasoning at all โ
โPart of the problem is the magazine editors and television producers drumming us over the head with fast and easy meal solutions at home. โ
What?! If weโre reading the same magazines and watching the same shows, theyโre offering quick and healthy solutions to encourage people to cook rather than reach for ready meals and convenience foods.
And โQuick, fast, and easy isnโt the point. Good is the point.โ Well surely good can be incorporated into quick and fast too, thanks to shows, mags and food blogs like this.
Thanks for the interesting link and thoughtful commentary. I think the author of the HuffPo rant has much of value to say and yet is oversimplifying; there have been many changes in our society over the last 50 years that have, in fact, legitimately changed the familyโs approach to mealtimeโmore families in which two parents work, longer workdays, expanding of womenโs roles and responsibilities outside the home, and perhaps most important, a general societal devaluing of the domestic arts .. . .At the same time, I firmly believe that knowing how to cook a meal is part of knowing how to care for yourself: itโs fundamentally important! I prepare most everything my three children and husband eat, but I do so at the expense of other things. As the HuffPo writer says, I am prioritizing cooking (and frankly, thatโs because I enjoy it!) but often, my house is messier than Iโd like, my laundry is over my head, and I am behind in correspondence and general errands. Sometimes, in truth, I am envious of people who donโt have the commitment to cooking that I do.
this post is comparatively superlative even by your writing standards.it would have been a real gem if you would have just put more of your personal opinion and views in the post.
Thanks for the link to Ruhlmanโs article, it was an interesting read. Whilst his criticism of Jamie Oliver was, IMHO, unfair and misdirected, he does make a valid point about choices and priorities, and the role that the food industry/media plays in all of this. His observation that the allure of extra time has become a major selling point is astute; as ever, the promise of greater choice and limitless possibilities (all that extra time) is irresistible. You rightly identify the tension between expectations and individual freedom to choose โ therein lies the problem for modern families.
On reflection, I really take issue with Ruhlmanโs attack on Jamie Oliver. One of the reasons people reach for convenience, pre-packaged and fast foods is because they lack the skills and wherewithal to prepare a nutritious meal from scratch, a situation that Jamie has long been committed to rectifying, starting with his school dinners campaign a decade ago. He singlehandedly shamed the British government into putting childrenโs nutrition on the agenda, and if it werenโt for him, we would probably not even be having this discussion today.