Yes, that beautiful sight is exactly what you think it is: My twelve-year-old is making dinner. For the family. A stack of pan-fried gray sole with a green salad and ginger-miso dressing to be exact. What you donโt see, out of frame, are her parents, having some chips and salsa at the kitchen table, catching up on the dayโs events, and doing their best not to tell their twelve-year-old to turn up the heat or turn down the heat, or salt the bread crumbs, or use a fork and not your fingers to put the fish in the (omg very hot) pan, or maybe set up your dredging station next the stovetop instead of a half mile away.
Like all major milestones in life, the genesis of this particular one began at the hair salon.
My mom has been trying to get me to see her colorist for years now and so finally, a few weeks ago, I conceded. Her name was Gisele and having only met her for about two hours, I can say with confidence that sheโs my friend for life. As well as learning that the look for prom this year is the low, loose bun, I learned that she adds breaded chicken cutlets to her baked ziti, that she came to the US from Lebanon 44 years ago, that sheโd had many jobs in her life (realtor, executive assistant) but hair had always been her true passion. You can learn a lot about someone when they are inches from your ears for two straight hours.
When Gisele found out that I wrote about food for a living, she was amazed. โHow wonderful!โ she said. And then,โYour kids must be excellent cooks!โ
I thought she was heading in the direction parents normally head which is: โHow wonderful! Your kids must be excellent eaters.โ
โWell, yeah,โ I said. โThey can make a few dishes.โ In my mind, though, I had a hard time coming up with something that involved a technique more complicated than spreading hummus on pita. โBut they eat pretty much anything.โ
And that was that. Until the very next morning when my newly highlighted self went to the coffee shop and ran into Phoebeโs friend, Lauren, and her mom.
โI love your cookbook,โ Lauren said. โI cook from it all the time!โ
Here again, I thought she was heading in the direction kids normally head, which is: โI love your cookbook! My parents cook from it all the time.โ
I thanked her, and inside, I realized, the universe was telling me something: It was time that my kids start cooking more. Not just a batch of muffins or a peanut butter sandwich โ but a meal. After decades of being kitchen mates and sous chefs and salad makers, and littleย self-sufficient bakers, my kids (especially my 12-year-old) were 100% capable of cooking dinner from start to finish. There were only two reasons why they werenโt already: Me and Andy. ย It wasnโt their issue. It was ours. We needed to hand over the reins.
That Wednesday, I picked up some gray sole at the farmerโs market on my way home from work. It was a quiet weeknight โ no sports, light homework โ so I plunked the fish down on the counter and told Phoebe she was cooking dinner. She had flanked Andy and me at least two dozen times in her life as we dredged filets in flour, egg, and breadcrumbs for our stand-by fish dinner. She was ready to take the lead here.
Her response was only: โWhat should I make on the side?โ
As usual, she was way more game than I had anticipated, and jumped right in, even stealing moments in between fish flips to read from her well-worn volume ofย Enderโs Game.ย The bigger challenge was on my end, as I attempted to resist the urge to give her any counsel. When Andy came home a few minutes later, I convinced him to do the same. Harder still was figuring out what exactly to do with ourselves while Phoebe was running the show. If it was between 6:30 and 7:30 PM and I didnโt have to be in front of a stove โ well then what was I supposed to be doing? Crocheting? Gardening? It quickly became clear I need a hobby that doesnโt involve the kitchen or my MacBook Pro (and I better figure out what it is before my children leave for college).
Phoebe picked her side dish. We had some greens from Trader Joeโs, which she tossed with sliced cucumbers, crumbled feta, grape tomatoes, and some bottled miso-ginger dressing that I usually use for carrot dipping after school. Forty-five minutes and a massive pile of dirty pots later (who cares? I sure donโt!) we were sitting down to dinner.
PS: Feel free to suggest any other dinner ideas that are easy enough for a 12-year-old. I could totally get used to this.
Whoa. My mind is spinning with possibilities right now, and school gets out in just a few days, which is such perfect timing!
Excellent.
Ha! my inner kitchen-control-freak-without-a-hobby doesnโt even let my husband cook a full meal. Must work on this before my son gets to 12.
My son makes tacos and chili. Heโs 14, and Iโm going to teach him how to use the gas grill this summer!
My son 14 who also has Autism loves to cook, I am slowly learning to let go in the kitchen. Iโm calling it life skills training this summer. He loves to grill, and when he comes home from camp he will be cooking one meal a night for us. We may have tacos every week but who cares itโs a night off for me!
This is so great. I loved it when my mom let me cook when I was a kid. Iโm 34 now, married but no kids (yet), and I firmly believe that Iโm as good a cook as I am now (pretty darn good) because my mom handed over the reins from time to time. Itโs funny, when I was in my mid-20s, an old high school friend asked me how I learned to cook, and I said, somewhat confused at the question, โMy mom taught meโฆโ because of course she did. Where else would I have learned? So, take faith that, by fighting your instinct to control, youโre currently helping your daughters to become kick-ass adults, who know how to bread and fry a piece of fish, which will impress all of their friends in college and beyond. And then theyโll say, โPhoebe, how did you learn to cook?โ and sheโll say, โMy parents taught meโฆโ because of course you did.
What a timely post! My older daughter (10) has just started cooking meals on her own, and it is really thanks to my mom encouraging her to do it on her own (I hover too much). She has made pancakes, pasta with tomato basil sauce, and paninis. It is fantastic to see her develop this independence, but really hard to bite my tongue and not intervene! ๐
P.S. Your website is an absolute gem. I love it!
Here are a few suggestions that I think a 12 year old can handle:
spaghetti carbonara โ the sauce comes together off of the stovetop โ so easy
grilled chicken โ really any meat marinated and done on the indoor grill
Sounds like sheโs got the side dishes covered!
garlic bread, pesto w pasta or as a marinade for grilled chicken, orzo, quinoa salad, smittens one pot farro and tomatoes, wraps, meatballs, burgers, hummus. enjoy!
Great post!
My son is 5 and knows how to make vegan pesto in the Vitamix (supervised of course) but he really does know how to take charge, measure things out and get it all in there.
When I was about 12 (just before I became a vegetarian) I invented a nice tarragon and white wine chicken recipe which I served to my parents with wild rice and water chestnuts.
CONGRATS!!!!!! It has totally been my goal to have my kiddo making one meal a week by the time sheโs 14. Maybe I can scale that timeframe down to age 12!!
Incredible timingโฆ.driving home last night with my 12 year old and asked her โSo, what are you going to make us for dinner?โ No response from the back seat. This is sign that I need to move on this idea.
My daughterโs eleven, and her favorite supper is one that, pleasingly, is also dead easy to make, even for her.
Skin-on, bone-in chicken thighs get seasoned with whatever (Maura likes garlic, thyme, and sumac) and put onto a cookie tray. Put them in a cold oven, turn it to 400, and ignore them for an hour. When theyโre cooked, the skinโs crispy.
Once the ovenโs heated, you can add whatever veggies youโd like to another trayโpotatoes can go in as soon as the ovenโs hot, or asparagus can be added for the last fifteen minutes, or whatever. Throw together a salad and cut some bread and supperโs done.
That is so amazing. I bet she felt so proud of herself at the end. Congrats! Job well done, mom & dad.
You are such good mom! I was fortunate enough that my parents let me play in the kitchen also. My dad, however, didnโt leave us alone and would lecture us after dinner if we did something he didnโt agree with. It made making dinner for my family a tough job, but Iโve always loved cooking.
OMG, this gives me so much hope. Our boys are 3.5, twenty months, and six weeks, and dinner is never, EVER a relaxing, sit-down affair. The idea of one of them cooking dinner one day (rather than smearing it in their hair) almost brings tears to my eyes.
Dude. Anything that Sarah Carey makes on the โEveryday Foodโ channel on YouTube. Those recipes use basic techniques and very often minimal ingredient lists. 90% of the recipes are healthful too.
Quinoa is a good versatile side!
This is just awesome. Your kids are impressive!
My sister has 3 kids old enough to cook meals & a packed schedule. So she instituted a day of the week to cook. They choose their meal, & let her know the ingredients needed. She shops for it all & 3 days a week they cover meals. They LOVE that they can have exactly what they want that day, & also portion control :). Theyโre all growing & love doubling momโs normal meat portion, etcโฆ:)
I see another cookbook coming!
Love this! I started cooking some family meals at the age of 12 and it was one of the reasons why Iโm so passionate about cooking/healthy eating today. I started cooking family meals as a tween (early 1990s) out of necessity. My Dad was the chef in our family and he would often travel for work. My mother if left to her own devices in the kitchen would feed us fried pork chops, a microwaved potato and frozen vegetables for supper. I wasnโt going for that so I took over cooking when he was away. My 3 year old is already able to make a few easy dishes on his own (fruit salad, garden salad) and helps with things like scrambled eggs. Hope he will be cooking me supper in 10 years!
How about a roast chicken? Not too hard to prep, and then you just put it in the oven and forget about it.
Plus kids can learn how to stretch the carcass and leftover meat into soup stock, chicken soup, tacos, fajitas, pasta with chicken, etc.
My big kids (11 and 8) have cooked dinner with help a few times, but recently did it unsupervised (chili and cornbread) and did a great job. My aunt suggested that we create their own recipe box (or binder or whatever). I think weโre going to try that this summer and hand over the spatula at least once a week. This morning the 8-yr-old baked cupcakes from scratch by herself, so I know weโll have dessert covered!
I think its such an important life skill to have, good on you for โletting goโ! My parents had the rule of kids cooking once we were 10. Easy mince recipes (chilli, tacos, spaghetti bolognaise, shepherds pie etc) plus stirfries were a mainstay of the teen repertoire. Plus, once we were a bit older, we got more adventurous than our parents and started making indian, middle eastern and greek food.
My kids took over the dessert side of things first: cookies, cakes, puddings, etc. Omelets were a good easy meal that my youngest liked to make when she started cooking. Also, she liked Indian food so enjoyed making various curries. She also liked to invent side dishes if she was at the grocery store with me. Roasted brussels sprouts with small red potatoes is still one of her favorites.
I still havenโt found a good hobby for the dinner hour though!